New Life

I "stumbled" upon my blog, which I haven't looked at in ages!!!!  The truth is the last few years have been very trying and dark.  I was shocked to see the last post I wrote about "resting in The Lord and not striving".........really it is unbelievable.  If you would ask me today what my greatest challenges to faith are........it is the exact same thing.......here is the difference between 2011 and today:

We had a family crisis that led Tucker and I to go to Georgia a few months ago to a ministry called Be In Health that changed not only his life, but mine!!!

I would tell you today that before I went, I was an unbelieving believer.....I loved Jesus, or at least thought I did, but didn't live my life in a way that experienced any victory really......I knew He loved me, but had accepted that life was just a hard struggle and we were going to suffer.....that was just reality.....I didn't really believe in victory or freedom or release..........I had never had good teaching about spiritual roots and struggles.....and that we have a God Head.....Father,  Son and Holy Spirit....and that we have an enemy.   Of course I had been taught some of these things, but I never really "got" it.

I am learning that the voices in my head aren't always mine.....and that I believe a lot of lies, untruths.....that God's truth is Sanity.......and my thoughts aren't always sane...  Thank God for his Holy Spirit and wisdom and discernment to be healed......

I always turned away from that kind of talk before because I thought it was false teaching.....and basically my heart was hardened to it.......so happy to be free of that now........or at least getting freer from it.......

Quiet

It's rainy and cold! I am thrilled! no plans today and it's so nice. Talked to Emily for over an hour on skype..........makes my day. This has been a tough Fall of big changes and today for once I feel "normal" whatever that is. The sermon last Sunday was so good.....about resting in Christ and not striving. I am the queen of striving.. I don't know if I really feel better or am just worn out and have given in!!!! whatever, I'll take it.....

OSU Lax

Tucker is lucky.......6 people attended the OSU/OU lacrosse game, just for him. See the picture of my nephew who even brought his own stick? love it....

Oklahoma Boy

Tucker spent the weekend at his Grandparent's farm fishing and resting up from a bad virus. I remember times at both my Grandparents houses as I spent countless visits there with just my sister. I think on those times often and am so thankful for the example those people set for me. So glad Tucker is getting the chance to be around my family. Hope he gets some studying in too...

I Survived!

As you can see from my last post, that only had a title, I couldn't figure out how to blog from Scotland. I did just post pictures there though, so check them out. It was a good, hard, beautiful, fun, sad trip.......all in one. The struggle with Emily's visa and travel plans really put a tough spin on my trip. But, she is there and settled in and already has great friends. We miss her horribly........and sometimes I am profoundly sad.......but skype is a gift from heaven and I have talked to her twice. To see her face and hands moving, makes me feel better. She does not have the insecurities that her mother........and most girls her age have. She is a tower of strength and common sense and I am proud of her. Her roommate is from Greenwich, CT........went to a boarding school in VA......how funny is that. She is a sweet girl, but definitely from a different world. She is more homesick than Emily and has clung to her a bit......not something miss independent wants. Her father really took a liking to Emily when we were getting the girls settled. He told the girl that he wanted her to stick with Em this year because he felt Emily had an uncanny vocabulary that this girl would benefit from. Isn't that funny?

Both my college kids are sick right now.........sinus and head cold stuff......most likely from not enough sleep and eating well. They will have to figure that one out.

I thought that things would calm down after a summer of getting 2 in school, but alas, I was wrong. Things are never calm around here! so, off to yoga this morning to build inner calm......we will see how that goes...

Scotland

not done yet....

So yesterday was really tough..........Emily is not getting her visa in time to fly out on Tuesday....
We, for $1700.00, had to change her flight to Wed.........and now may not even be able to make that. We were given bad info from the visa service, from a woman who "no longer works there" and are now paying for it in spades. Of course Sue and I will continue on Tuesday......without Emily.........bizarre as that sounds.......and pray she gets on for Wed. This has added considerable stress to the point of just being numb. I am afraid to say that her going away to school is a much bigger deal than anticipated. That being said, so goes life and we must just deal with it. I can't wait for her to be there and done with this............no, I can't wait for Christmas break when we are all home together....

breakdown

Ok, I have cried for the past two days and told Chris something is really wrong with me and just go ahead and have me committed somewhere.........and don't come visit me.......just put me away somewhere really cheap........or better yet, shoot me and put you and I both out of my misery. (to my mother who is panicking, I am fine)
First off, what a huge baby I am. People deal with much worse than broken houses and children leaving home........and humidity.......and broken children at school.........and all the stresses of everyday life, but I seem to not have the bandwith to deal effectively. And, it is almost like I am watching myself have this anxiety from outside of myself knowing I am being silly......seeing myself as an overworried old woman.........but can't do anything about it. I know I am stressed about the plane ride to Scotland next week.......and I have several friends my age going through the same thing.........one of them hit it on the head.........weariness..........and it's almost like you are an engine who is torqued up and can't slow down and relax, even if you try. So Monday I went with my friend to Pier One and we shopped for something that would completely change our lives and make us normal feeling again........she bought a blanket and a coffee table........I bought nothing. We really tried to find something to change my life, but there was nothing. So, we went to eat Pad Thai and laughed at how ridiculous we are..........and then went to our separate dirty houses and took naps. I felt a little better.

Labor Day

Emily is in New York, Tucker is in Oklahoma, the humidity is horrific in Virginia.......where the rest of us sadly have to stay.

This weekend has been so busy and I have to say it all came to a crashing halt for me last night. Our furnace is broken........and our air conditioner is on and off.....and it is hot and humid and more so upstairs than down. I really think with just Jake home we should sell the place and rent an apartment somewhere.............I am all about simplifying and downsizing. Chris is not handy and an old house needs a ton of care and handy work. I should say I am not handy either.....and we both must appear stupid as we are constantly facing people trying to rip us off..........but that is not my point here. My point is I had a very busy week at work, an event Friday night, tailgating and football on Saturday at UVA and then polo and tailgating at a local vineyard. Saturday night sitting in the hot stands, with the bathrooms overflowing and closed at the stadium I hit a breaking point and needed to go home................yesterday at polo..........surrounded by overly served people, I hit a breaking point again.........of course after standing in line for a stinking port a john that was 120 degrees inside.........I was so sweaty I couldn't pull up my underwear.......sorry, to much information, but you get the point. and you have to know the kicker..........WE PAID to do all of that............today....I am staying home....all day..........happy labor day.

Earthquake

Strangest thing.........at 1:07 am....we had another earthquake. Chris and I woke up at the same time and instantly grabbed each others hand....at the same time......Jake did not wake up, which is a blessing.......he gets scared so easily. This one wasn't as bad as the first on Tues. and it was the first one I have felt. I don't like it and don't recommend it. On top of that we have a hurricane coming our way this weekend.............we have not had weather peace in 2 years....it is getting old.........

Whirlwinds and Earthquakes

I haven't figured out how to post pictures from my iphone onto my blog.....and don't have time this week to do it, so until then....no pictures. It has been truly a whirlwind of activity around here. The kids and I set off for Oklahoma last week with a few stops along the way....a visit in Atlanta with one of my best friends.....lunch with my Grandmother and Aunt and Uncle in Arkansas........a day with my niece and nephew before they started school the next day.......and visits with my mom and family too. The big news is we dropped off Tucker at Oklahoma State. We were in Stillwater for 2 days........one to get him moved into his apartment and one for orientation.....figuring out the campus.....it has changed or my brain has because I was mostly lost. Tucker's roomy is a Texas boy and had several pair of boots lined up by the door at the apt......he was very much a "yes maam" kind of kid and seems very nice.. Tucker seems to like him. I guess I would describe my time in Stillwater, other than majorly infusing the economy there at Walmart....as trying to get T set up for great success. I felt we had finished our tasks........hugged him and said goodby and drove back to my Mom's in Sapulpa, a mere 50 minutes away. We had a great evening........and then started the drive home the next morning.....non eventful drive that took us through farm country in MO, IL, IN and Kentucky.........we just couldn't stomach I40 in TN this trip. The way we drove was great....only bad thing...........the Virginias...........bad roads and construction in both states....and way too many trucks.... All was well until we pulled into our driveway............the kids jumped out and I sat there and looked at the house, Tucker's car, our driveway.........and bawled like a woman in a bad lifetime channel tv movie...........that went on for most of the evening. I don't know if I felt like I had survived it all and it was over? If the sadness of I can't get to him if I need to? who knows.....I have to do it all over again in a few weeks with Emily.............she was fed up with me on several points of this trip and finally texted her Dad to please take her to Scotland instead of me........if we could change it, I think I would.............hard doesn't even describe what this time of life is. Today is the first day of school for Jake............we are KIND of ready.....and very tired and fussy......I see the pangs of early adolescence sneaking in.....lots of anxiety and fear all of a sudden....the earthquake yesterday didn't help him.. I have had emails, calls and texts from all over the country due to the media coverage of this thing....... I have to say.. I live 30 minutes from the epicenter and never felt a thing. I haven't felt an aftershock either. I was in my car driving at the time and for the second one, I was outside in the back yard. On the other hand, Chris said his whole building swayed and it really scared him. Jake was home alone and just ran outside with the rest of the neighborhood. I did hear that a chimney a few blocks away crumbled to the ground. Interesting that my little house stood strong and the capitol in DC, further away suffered damage.............anyway....we are all fine and still kicking. Say a prayer for Tucker today.....the club Lacrosse team meets at OSU tonight and I am hoping that is a great source of friendship and joy for him. more later.....

It's all new and different.....

For my Mother and Mother in Law.............
because you have been mean about my lack of blogging and have bullied me...........
and because I am also a Mother and will now have 2 children living an ungodly distance away from me.................
I am starting again.........no promises.......this is going to be a weird year..........
one child in Scotland, one in Oklahoma..........and one in middle school.........
I may lose my mind.
It all starts tomorrow.......as we start the drive west to Ok. for T. to attend OSU, my alma mater, but a MUCH different place then where he has been......has to be in God's hands, mine are too small.......and then a few weeks later off to Scotland to drop off E. I will be taking Xanax and Ambien on the plane....which brings me to another thing........I can't do this if I feel like I have to be fake or pleasant. I always have my Mother and my Grandma Ruby's voice in my head that says, " you don't have to tell everything you know", but I often do and sometimes it is not pretty or nice or even organized in a way that is people pleasing, but if I am to be honest about my own journey, I have to be me.......messy and broken......as we all really are. So today is my last day home with my two oldest children until Christmas...........ugh!!! One is asleep on the couch with the tv still on from last night.........the other in her bed, where she loves to spend her time. Today we will pack, check last minute details, I am sure argue................and then tomorrow off to Atlanta to see Auntie Pam, (my dear friend that the kids call that) She is a Pastor of the second largest Presbyterian Church in Atlanta. She has a manse in Buckhead.......fancy town, and we are so excited to spend time with her............and then 12 hours west from there to Grandma Ruby's in Arkansas for either lunch or dinner.......depending on our timing...........a few hours with her and then off to Ok. Wed. is the last day before my niece and nephew go to school so we will hang with them.............Thurs and Fri are OSU days for orientation..........and then straight back home.......no xanax or ambien as I am driving............but I think I'll be ok......T. needs a fresh start and hoping OSU will be that.......everybody PRAY!!!! so, that's the outlook for the next week....oh, and Buoy is going with us..........I know that sounds crazy, but he is such a comfort for us all and we need him....he is the best traveler we have.........

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter! I hope to take lots of pictures tomorrow as we will all be together.......which is rare anymore.

Emily made a decision and will be going to St. Andrews in Scotland for college. LOTS of emotions behind that for me this week as it was all settling in to reality. I think I want my 2 and 4 year old children back!!

no posts

I haven't posted for over a month. I was really going to be better this year, but I just can't. It is a tremendous time of stress in our house as one has come home from college and one is preparing to leave for college. The family dynamic thing is tense and hard. Lots of people going in different directions. Give me 8 year olds any day and I can parent..........18 and 20???? ugh! You basically have to "stay out of it" and just pray they make the right decisions. Poor Jakey just watches it all.........I also have had two friends lose children this past month. The pain of that is unbearable. The students I serve at school are either in some real trauma or homeless..........how do you convince people who have never had a work ethic to have one? that it can save their lives? I am amazed at the people who expect others to do for them.........we leave next week for St. Thomas and I just hope it is the much needed break we all need.

League Champions

Chris coaches Jake's basketball team..........they have gone undefeated all season and yesterday won the championships..........I put my camera and a fresh battery in my purse........and didn't take a single picture.........ugh!

Feb. Chaos

I don't know why I expect the winter months to be quiet and easier.......life still happens and it is messy as usual. I found myself in a situation this week I hope to have learned from.......hopefully it was painful enough that I did learn from it. I had told a colleague about a situation I was concerned about and didn't know what to think about and this person used that information inappropriately in a "slinging arrows" kind of way for personal gain..............which led to the vice president of another agency calling me to tell me they were firing somebody, a scapegoat in the situation. It all got so convoluted and out of hand...........all because of a concern that was brought to me that I shared with who I thought was a trusted colleague. After 3 hours of phone calls and conversations........and utter exhaustion, this poor single mom with a brain injury will NOT be fired, but what a mess. I had to tell this colleague how out of line she was, but in typical self righteous way of people who do these things............she has it all figured out how it was her "duty"..........anyway.......I also found an administrator in our building to be utterly useless.............which was not a good way to end the week. Here's to no more chaos and a long weekend.

Another Rec.

We rented such a great movie last night that we both liked! It's called "arranged" with Zoe Lister-Jones.........about two young teachers in Brooklyn, one Jewish and one Muslim, going through their families arranged marriages............so cute!

Happiness

I LOVE my life when I am reading a good book..........I have a stack from the library right now......LOVE my library.......reserve the book online, they email me when it is ready for pick up........they even take my suggestions and buy new books when they don't have the one I want........there is something very proper, old fashioned and soothing about going to the library and picking up my books..........can't explain it. Anyway, saw this book in Anthropologie and didn't want to buy it, although now I might because it is a keeper, so off I went to my library.........The Happiness Project..........it is so enjoyable and is full of great information from experts and great minds like G.K. Chesterton who said.............being heavy is easy, being light is hard.............the author even has a blog http://www.happiness-project.com/ . You must read her blog and her book..............great winter project.

Snow!

I saw this on Facebook and thought it was so funny. Not sure anybody in OK thinks it's funny anymore.......we had a horrible winter last year here in Virginia.........hang in there Oklahoma!!!!

Talk

http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/4197493

I have never in my life heard anyone as compelling as Paige Benton Brown. I used to go listen to her when she lived in Charlottesville about 5 years ago. Today I found the link above to a very powerful sermon online. You absolutely HAVE to listen to her.........fast forward through the other parts, but listen to her full talk..........it'll set you straight.